aefenglommung (aefenglommung) wrote,

More than the sum of the parts

haikujaguar has a post on whether men can wear fwooshy clothes. Speaking as someone who wears an alb and stole on regular occasions, and who in high school wore a toga to Latin Club parties correctly, and who went trick or treating as a little boy in a Zorro cape, I'm perfectly comfortable with fwoosh.

But it made me think about physical beauty, and the tragedy of so many young girls. As a grown man, it is not usually my place to be talking to teenage girls about what makes for physical beauty, about what turns a man on, etc. I am a "safe" adult male, someone to whom they can talk without worrying about what kind of erotic impression they're making. But that doesn't mean I don't see what everyone else sees.

And what I see is a lot of young girls who are trying to reach maximum Wow-ness by treating their bodies as a collection of parts. They think if they push these out, haul that in, paint their faces thus, pierce this, and wear that knockout whatever they paid so much money for, hey presto! they're beautiful. What they often are is an ill-arranged pile of parts. Boys may react to those parts -- hey, boys can abstract the parts from the whole and drool over anything -- but that doesn't make the girls beautiful.

So here let me share with you the true secret of beauty, the Philosopher's Stone of erotic power -- what makes a woman truly beautiful, what makes men fall at their feet, dumbstruck.

Hush! Is anybody looking? Okay, go ahead.

*Ahem* I am about to tell you the two most important body parts that determine true physical beauty. Since this is too erotic for a family journal, I'll have to place this behind a cut.

The Two Most Erotic Female Body Parts

1. The Smile.
A girl with a beautiful smile can have her pick of the boys she wants. A real, unaffected smile lights up the eyes, makes the whole face bright. Who can pay attention to the other body parts when one's eyes can't tear themselves away from the Woman with the Beautiful Smile? Face makeup and the rest of it is entirely secondary here. It's not about eyeliner, shadow, mascara, blush, sparkles, earrings. That's for later, when your skin starts to age. There is simply nothing in the world as heart-stoppingly beautiful as an honest smile on a girl's face.

I tell collinsmom I fell in love with her for her smile. I don't know that she believes me, but it's true. Meanwhile, I see a lot of girls who are all tarted up to the nines, but are scowling. Or smacking away at a wad of chewing gum like a cow chewing her cud. They are ugly, ugly, ugly.

2. The Spine. Back in Great-Grandma's day, girls were taught about "carriage." In Grandma's day, they covered "posture" in Health class. Nobody's paid any attention since the Korean War, but it's still true that how you stand is more important than what you're standing in. Girls (and boys) should stand up straight, as if they were suspended from the tops of their heads. Shoulders should be held up and back, arms loose, as if one could spin from that imaginary suspension line like a marionette.

There is no use worrying about how big your boobs or your butts are, or whether Part X is too big or too small. If you are standing correctly, all your parts will arrange themselves to their best advantage.

I see too many girls with hunched-over shoulders and slouching spines. I see too many tensely held arms and twisted poses. Even at rest, they look uncomfortable. A girl standing awkwardly in a $1200 dress looks like something thrown in the trash; meanwhile, a girl who has good carriage will make the rags she wears to wash the dog look like Cinderella's ball outfit.

Yeah, yeah, I know some guys talk about being "leg men," while others are interested in other parts. (I remember a weird conversation at St. Meinrad School of Theology during an exchange term. We Methodists were going through the cafeteria line, commenting on the fried chicken that was that day's offering. A young woman was waiting to fill our plates with the parts we wanted. "Hey, she's got some pretty good breasts there," somebody said. "Yeah, and her thighs aren't bad, either," said somebody else. And then we all went red from what we had just heard ourselves saying. But I digress.)

It's not about what parts you like, guys. Or which parts you think are your best/worst feature, girls. Every girl can be beautiful. Every girl IS beautiful, when she is standing straight, her face lit up in a smile. Especially the smile that is meant for her true love (whether he knows he's it yet, or not -- and he will, before long).

'Nuff said.

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