November 2nd, 2005


Dark night of the soul? Well, darkish, I guess.

Well, here it is way late, and I'm haunting the hospital computer. Since my surgery is scheduled for the middle of the afternoon, and I can't have anything by mouth since midnight (two hours ago), I figured I'd just stay up and piddle until I was ready to drop. Which means I should sleep most of the morning, and not mind the long wait so much.

The fact that I've been getting stronger all day is, I suppose, a good sign. I'm also getting bored, and noticing the omissions and irks of the staff more. When you're sick and exhausted, none of that stuff matters, you know? Overall, the staff have been very kind, prompt, and good -- though why hospital staff can't find a vein and most doctor's office staff can is beyond me.

I don't like to contemplate the next stage in treatment and recovery. But there's no point in putting on disbelief, or playing "Why me," or going over and over the silly way I got into this mess. I'm too old, too tired, too experienced to waste my time with those things. Stuff's gotta be faced.

Now fear is real, and to be respected. Fear is also productive, since it focuses on the future (as opposed to the non-productive mental games that endlessly replay an unchangeable past). I fear pain, discomfort, inconvenience. And I fear all the things I can't foresee. One of the reasons we stay with awful situations is that changing them involves us in accepting the Law of Unintended Consequences being executed upon us, and we are very properly afraid of that. Going to the doctor, signing the Consent for Surgery form, acting to save your life/get well/do the therapy/join the group always involves facing the fact that some things might be worse for your having acted -- despite the most of everything being better for your having acted.

So I place my trust in Christ and hope for Good Unintended Consequences to accompany the Intended Consequences of tomorrow. Or today, if you prefer: surgery is scheduled for twelve hours from now.

Cutting remarks

The nurse came into my room at 11:00 a.m. this morning and deposited a bunch of surgical stuff on my tray table. She told me the doctor had decided I didn't need a general anaesthetic and would be doing the procedure right there in my room. I was relieved -- this would be easier than I thought!

Then I was really keyed up. After all, I didn't know if he would be coming earlier than advertised (2:45), just because his stuff showed up at 11:00. And there they were. I was reminded of the procedure of the Inquisition in which suspected heretics and witches being asked to confess would first "be shown the instruments of torture."

Eventually, I relaxed enough to doze off. About 1:30, in came the doc just as I was getting up to pee. Here we go! I thought, but when I came out, he had disappeared. The instruments weren't all as he had wanted them. So he was off again, and I was left to lie there and wait. That was tough.

Well, he came in, and got right down to it. It only took a couple of minutes, but it's not easy to let a guy poke and slice down around one's nether parts without any input or interference from oneself. It was all over, and I was talking with collinsmom when that_guy_zach came in to pray me off to surgery. All over and done with surprised him.

And so we're coming into the home stretch. I go home tomorrow, to take 30 days of antibiotics, frequent sitz baths, etc. and so forth. Cuthbert and Sassy have been missing me madly, and I've been missing them. Oh, and the doc said I shouldn't work this weekend, so that means that Zach will be doing All Saints Sunday communion without me -- and even better, I get to punt on Charge Conference! Now, THAT'S a day off!

Well, must go back to lying in bed now. Starting to wear out sitting at this desk. It's been wonderful to read all my friends' LJ's, though. When I get home, I hope to be able to add more to our mutual conversation that I have been able to, lately.

Auf wieder-bye-bye.