aefenglommung (aefenglommung) wrote,

On the mend

I hate this whole not-up-to-scratch stage of recovery. I feel hopelessly behind on stuff that needs to get done, and my tired mind cannot focus as it should. All of which leaves me surfing the net or dipping into old books on the shelves, aimlessly. And that leads to a kind of mild depression, a sort of "nothing's worth doing" feeling that makes the hours longer.

As far as physical recovery goes, I'm almost back to normal, though still regaining strength slowly. I go to the doctor on Friday, and expect a good report.

EDIT Much later: I went to a bookstore today to try to lift my spirits. It only made things worse. Maybe it was mostly the exertion; on the other hand, it nearly made me weep to go through a giant Barnes & Noble all full of Christmas stuff and find almost nothing I felt like reading.

On the way home, my down-ness turned to a general feeling of the Glass Being Half-Empty, which then turned to a savage resentment of a couple of individuals who seem to be particularly disappointing or thwarting me.

The problem with all this, of course, is there's nobody I can tell this to. To take this bitterness and dump it on the people I'm browned off at wouldn't clear the air, but merely burden our relationships: the problem is mine. And I could call a friend here or there to dump this on, but most of them would just tell me what the problem with me is, and how I'm not seeing things clearly, cheer up, yada yada yada. All of which I know -- but which doesn't make the black mood go away. I don't want somebody to put a big ol' plaster on this envenomed wound, but to help me cut it open, suck out the poison and spit it out. So until the dark heat burns itself out, I guess I'll just go hide and avoid other people. It means it all lasts longer than it should have to, but that's just tough.

All in all, a down day, wot?

  • Point of view in LOTR

    One of the achievements of The Lord of the Rings is its complicated narrative architecture. Stories are interlaced and we follow, now this sub-plot,…

  • Arthur contra mundum

    The consensus opinion among Tolkien critics -- including those who greatly admire his work -- is that The Lord of the Rings is slow to get going,…

  • Not all ancient institutions are good

    The institutions of the Roman Republic have cast a long shadow over western government. Even our Founders paid close attention to the Roman model,…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.