aefenglommung (aefenglommung) wrote,

Dark night of the soul? Well, darkish, I guess.

Well, here it is way late, and I'm haunting the hospital computer. Since my surgery is scheduled for the middle of the afternoon, and I can't have anything by mouth since midnight (two hours ago), I figured I'd just stay up and piddle until I was ready to drop. Which means I should sleep most of the morning, and not mind the long wait so much.

The fact that I've been getting stronger all day is, I suppose, a good sign. I'm also getting bored, and noticing the omissions and irks of the staff more. When you're sick and exhausted, none of that stuff matters, you know? Overall, the staff have been very kind, prompt, and good -- though why hospital staff can't find a vein and most doctor's office staff can is beyond me.

I don't like to contemplate the next stage in treatment and recovery. But there's no point in putting on disbelief, or playing "Why me," or going over and over the silly way I got into this mess. I'm too old, too tired, too experienced to waste my time with those things. Stuff's gotta be faced.

Now fear is real, and to be respected. Fear is also productive, since it focuses on the future (as opposed to the non-productive mental games that endlessly replay an unchangeable past). I fear pain, discomfort, inconvenience. And I fear all the things I can't foresee. One of the reasons we stay with awful situations is that changing them involves us in accepting the Law of Unintended Consequences being executed upon us, and we are very properly afraid of that. Going to the doctor, signing the Consent for Surgery form, acting to save your life/get well/do the therapy/join the group always involves facing the fact that some things might be worse for your having acted -- despite the most of everything being better for your having acted.

So I place my trust in Christ and hope for Good Unintended Consequences to accompany the Intended Consequences of tomorrow. Or today, if you prefer: surgery is scheduled for twelve hours from now.

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